⁇ Cancer light – The day paper was right

⁇ 15:33 The bell that no one wants to hear

It was a call on Friday afternoon at 15:33. I was just preparing a kwis beer tasting. In a few minutes my afternoon changed from light to heavy. Since then, I've been trying to write down everything that happens. Not to get pity, but to keep my head and heart together. These blogs are my way of understanding, sharing and showing how I deal with this, sometimes seriously, sometimes with humor, but always really.

“Life does not call in advance to ask if it is convenient.”

⁇ A week in numbers and votes

The first week of radiotherapy is over and my head could not help but calculate that we are now at 16.6 percent. Once a data man, always a data man. The first two days were tough, but Wednesday, Thursday and Friday felt more bearable. During the day I usually manage to do things well, but around dinner time it collapses like a house of cards. Then I get boggy and short and to prevent someone from becoming a victim of it, I flee to the bedroom. That kind of self-protection sometimes feels strange, but it's the best way to stay friendly right now. At the same time, it is difficult, because if I lie down too early, a bad night is guaranteed to follow. So it is every day again looking for the balance between distance and not giving up too early.

“Sometimes the friendliest choice is to distance.”

⁇ When an A4 wins from the internet

Enough happened to talk about it. Sylvia and I arrived at the hospital an hour late on Friday, while all our agendas said we were perfectly on time. The online patient record even confirmed that. But the only paper A4 we ever got was right. That paper is leading. The radiology department works with its own planning that is not always passed on to the system. Fortunately, they were not angry and I was just made radioactive again. After that we did some shopping and Sylvia filled the cart with everything I can and want to taste. It almost felt ordinary.

“The paper truth is sometimes more persistent than the digital one.”

⁇ Money, visit and a cancer lamp

On Friday there was good news. The AOV is going to pay out and probably even more than expected. (That is also allowed because insuring your income as a self-employed person is very expensive). But very nice. It gives air, space and time. Time to find income soon, as soon as I get back up, without the reserves running out immediately. The phone call came right while Leonie was visiting us. Sylvia spoke to the insurance company while Leonie was there, which normally feels inappropriate, but this moment called for immediate attention. Sylvia spoke because my voice usually lasts only a few minutes. Leonie had also brought a gift that made me laugh. A desk lamp with two positions, hard light and soft light. It can hardly be more symbolic. Writing a blog called Cancer Light and then getting a lamp that depicts exactly that difference. I told her that my blog episode today was made possible by a cancer lamp with two emotions.

“Sometimes the light falls exactly where you need it.”

⁇ Friends, Bruges Zot and small victories

Rene called, too. It was nice to hear his voice, but after fifteen minutes I had to say that it was no longer possible. He heard it right away. This is what my life looks like now, conversations that end because the body pulls the plug. In the Signal group ‘Men's Weekend’, Jurjan sent a picture of a Bruges Zot from Belgium. He drank it to my health. Apparently he has to think of me as soon as he sees a Zot, which is both a questionable thought and a heartwarming gesture. That photo reminded me of the advice of the dietitian. Now I eat and drink what I can taste. So I grabbed cheese and an IPA. The Carmelite I received earlier from Ronald unfortunately stung too brightly in my throat, but fortunately these Jopen went well. A small success that is suddenly worth a lot.

“Friendship sometimes goes surprisingly well with hops.”

⁇ A day in two parts and a bump protesting

The morning started hard. Poor night, little reserve. Moreover, since Friday the bump in my throat, with which everything once started, has become much harder and more painful. He claims his place again as if he had forgotten that he was already playing the lead role. I don't cripple, but I did find out how much paracetamol my body can handle. That turns out to be less than what I occasionally thoughtlessly took. As a result, I am reluctant to go full again on the paracetamol, while everyone calls that I should be ahead of the pain and build a mirror. I find that difficult, but I listen to the people who care about me. Fortunately, my body picked up later in the day. I swept the garage, did the laundry and arranged things with the insurance. In the afternoon it was over. I dormant, watched Jaero and played some games. Assassin's Creed Mirage is a surprisingly pleasant escape. In the meantime, boxes of drinking food came in. I'm going to use it seriously, anything to avoid that feeding tube. By the way: I like the name of the drinker: Sorgente. I see the words care and gente in. And since the song "Gente di mare" we all know that gente ‘People’ means. In short: Sorgente I interpret as ‘Caring for people’. It's beautiful, isn't it? Sylvia was at the campsite for a job day, responsible for catering. I would have liked to join, but together we decided that it was not wise. Too much risk, too little energy.

“Choosing wisely never feels tough, but it's often the bravest thing you can do.”

⁇ For now

Since I got sick, something has shifted. Need less, want more. More feeling, less sense. More now, less later. There are times when my head has to beat my heart. It remains painful when you realize that your illness determines where you can and can't be, what you can and can't do, what conversations you can or can't have. Nice is different, but for now this is where I am. And I know that after Christmas everything will get better!

‘Heaviness can have light and light sometimes weighs surprisingly much.’