Cancer light – When my throat claimed a leading role

15:33 The bell that no one wants to hear

It was a call on Friday afternoon at 15:33. I was just preparing a kwis beer tasting. In a few minutes my afternoon changed from light to heavy. Since then, I've been trying to write down everything that happens. Not to get pity, but to keep my head and heart together. These blogs are my way of understanding, sharing and showing how I deal with this, sometimes seriously, sometimes with humor, but always really.

Life doesn't call in advance to ask if it's convenient.

⁇ The corridor to the operation

I was operated on last Friday. I was supposed to go under anesthesia at 15:30, but it ended up being an hour later. The corridor to the operating room was remarkably cozy. The women who prepared me even showed me a TikTok they had made that day. In the end, they didn't take me from the waiting room to the operating room, but first to the bedroom, because their shift was over and they wanted to go home. There was a light atmosphere in the operating room. Young people who spoke to each other in a way that gave air, but still remained very serious in their work. Someone said the anaesthetic was now being administered. The next thing I know is that I woke up.

Apparently, I've said 16 times that my wife is fantastic.

⁇ Back in my body

When I woke up, I immediately felt that everything was different. My tongue was so swollen that breathing sometimes looked like some kind of inward lock door. As I exhaled through my nose, my tongue blocked the passage. Lying on my back caused me to start to roar, as if wound moisture was flowing into the airway. The doctors said this was normal. Sylvia told me that both almonds have been removed. The left one looked suspicious and they took away a little more than just the almond. It is expected that the source of the metastasis has been removed. The tumor itself is still there. The biopsy is first cultivated and analysed before further steps are determined.

Good news can feel strange when your body protests at the same time.

⁇ Pain and ice

I was in a lot of pain. Water ice cream was the first resort. I had to stay one night and go home the next morning. That morning was noon. The pain only increased. Oxycodone didn't help enough and now I've switched to morphine. I try to sleep but it is mostly falling asleep and waking up scared and sometimes really sinking away. I've found one attitude that can be tolerated, and I'm in it. Food only comes in liquid form. Last night I ate the following: one plate of cold semolina pudding, two cups of cold semolina pudding, one bowl of frozen fruit smoothie and half a bowl of non-frozen fruit smoothie.

Recovering is sometimes nothing more than counting what is still successful.

⁇ Sylvia

I sent Sylvia home. All this time she was in the atmosphere of waiting, not knowing and watching. At home, life goes on and that weighs. When I said I wanted to stay another night because I felt bad, I saw her break. Just for a second. Rarely seen. And even that remained controlled. She's strong. Much stronger than I sometimes dare to think. She's coming to pick me up tomorrow. At least, if all goes well.

What a woman.

⁇ For now

For now, this is where I am. Waiting for the grow. Waiting for rest in my throat. Waiting for sleep that is sleep and not falling away halfway. It'll be slow. Slow is also forward.

Gravity can have light. And light sometimes weighs surprisingly much.