⁇ 15:33 The bell that no one wants to hear

It was a call on Friday afternoon at 15:33. I was just preparing a kwis beer tasting. In a few minutes my afternoon changed from light to heavy. Since then, I've been trying to write down everything that happens. Not to get pity, but to keep my head and heart together. These blogs are my way of understanding, sharing and showing how I deal with them – sometimes serious, sometimes humorous, but always real.

“Life does not call in advance to ask if it is convenient.”

The outcome

And then it was time: clean. No live cancer cells. I heard the words, but they didn't seem to get through to me. I was happy and totally confused at the same time. Even though my head had been saying "it's going to be okay" all along, I had been secretly counting on bad news. For more than a week, my inner world has been turning overtime: nervous, scared, disheartened. I didn't want to burden my environment with it. (Sorry, dear family. I won't be talking about how I feel again). So I pretended to be bored, while my head roared non-stop with ‘what if’ questions. Joy? Yeah, there was. But also an overwhelming sadness, a feeling of guilt that grabbed my throat. I was confused, like I was in a movie where I didn't understand the plot anymore. I walked through the hospital, the hallways seemed longer, the sounds louder. I was shaking inside. Why me? Why am I so lucky when others are fighting a battle lost in advance? At the exit I bumped into Lieke and Wouter. Their smiles, their congratulations …… I wanted to join, I wanted to laugh, but instead I felt the tears burning. Confused. ‘I'll do some eggs later,’ I stammered, while my eyes got wet. Sorry, Lieke and Wouter. You deserved a happy Henro, not one who feels guilty for getting better.

“Peace can also be hard when compared to the fate of others.”

Waiting

The last period was boring, for you and for me. A time of recovery, of rest. The most remarkable? I've been working a little bit again. At Mepal I got the chance to do something. Every hour I worked was one, every hour I didn't work wasn't a big deal. The first day I picked up my laptop and lingered for three hours. The next day I was exhausted on the couch. But it got better. The last week I accidentally worked even on my scheduled rest day. The 16 hours a week were almost 25 hours. Recovery or overconfidence? A little of both. But I enjoyed being useful, doing what I like. But the farewell was painful. I miss the people, the atmosphere. The work that beckons me but now remains.

“Recovery is not a straight line, but a zigzag with unexpected peaks.”

The distraction

When the project at Mepal came to an end, I plunged into NixOS, declarative systems, dendritic structures. My variant of sudokus. It kept my head away from that control, the one I was looking forward to and feared so much. And then came the good news. It's cancer-free. 10 to 20% Likelihood of recidivism, but I was lucky. The doctor said this won't come back. Because it was discovered in time.

“Happiness is relative, especially when you know that not everyone gets the same news.”

Looking ahead

Now that the news is here, I can look forward again. The medical world as well. My skin is sensitive, my jaw inflamed. Thursday morning I was in Oldenzaal with the dermatologist, Thursday afternoon in Enschede with the oral surgeon for a molar. Ointment for the skin and that molar? He's still in Enschede. I'm in Hengelo now.

“The body reminds you that it needs time, even when the cancer is gone”

A new chapter

Things are gonna change. I quit as an entrepreneur. Not because I can't do it anymore, but because my priorities have changed. I choose stability for my family and give space to others who do dare and want to take the risks. What I let go of as an entrepreneur, I allow them. I want to do what I like, not what I have to do. Finding a job is not easy. Who is waiting for a rehabilitating employee? To my surprise, there is flirting with several companies. Fortunately, there are organizations that look beyond profit figures and maximally milked-out employees. My network was stirring. Companies that consider hiring me during my recovery, until I'm risk-free enough for employment. I am happy and grateful to see that my network gives me something. I always find it difficult when people ‘just’ do something for me. (That's weird. I know. I'm weird sometimes. But aren't we all a little weird? That makes people so much fun. That sometimes we are weird).It gives me the opportunity to build my recovery and to wind down my business.

I'm flirting, there's no relationship yet. But you know what? I have joy of life again. I'm flirting with a happy heart now. Sometimes I even hum:

Guess who's back? Back again? Henro's back! Tell a friend!