⁇ Cancer light – Home between cold and coffee

15:33 The bell that no one wants to hear

It was a call on Friday afternoon at 15:33. I was just preparing a kwis beer tasting. In a few minutes my afternoon changed from light to heavy. Since then, I've been trying to write down everything that happens. Not to get pity, but to keep my head and heart together. These blogs are my way of understanding, sharing and showing how I deal with them – sometimes serious, sometimes humorous, but always real.

“Life does not call in advance to ask if it is convenient.”

⁇ A departure without a plan

Monday started with action. Sylvia was packing, had taken the dog to her parents and drove to Amsterdam without knowing where she would sleep. When she arrived at the hospital, I was already walking around, quite cheerful. At that moment, a doctor came in looking into my throat, asking some questions and saying that I could go home, if the pain relief was properly arranged.
Sylvia was completely surprised. She came to the hospital for a few days and left with me in the back seat.

‘Sometimes relief comes with cold hands.’

⁇ The first night at home

I was cold, ice cold. The whole ride I was under my jacket, but when we got home I was still shivering. I immediately went to bed. Sylvia left to arrange food for me, pick up my morphine and pick up the dog from her parents.
At the table, the family ate potatoes with peas and carrots. I got pureed cold peas with pureed cold carrots. It tasted great, because the four of us sat at the table again.
Then I took a bath to warm up and slept under three duvets. Sylvia thought it was a busy day.

“There is little more comforting than a table that is complete.”

⁇ Learning to dose

That night I slept badly, but better than in the hospital. In the middle of the night I took an ampoule of 10 milliliters of morphine for the pain. Not a good idea. The stuff tasted awful and burned in my mouth. Since then I dissolve it and take 3 to 4 milliliters at a time.
The next day went better. I discovered that paracetamol makes more difference than morphine. The paracetamol tames the pain, the morphine especially tames my confidence in medicines.
According to the doctor, the days four to eight after surgery are usually the heaviest. Day five is behind me now, and I feel it. Everything happens in my throat. The crusts begin to release, leading to sudden pain shoots and painful coughing that I struggle to suppress. Every cough feels like a small earthquake in my neck and a painful high-pressure area in my ears.

“Recovery is sometimes nothing more than a broken cough.”

Saying Goodbye to Work

I have informed Mepal that I cannot continue my assignment. They responded with understanding and warmth. No pressure, no inconvenience, just thinking along. It felt like I was abandoning them. I was able to work with a great team that I liked. The space and confidence I received were also wonderful.
I am still helping to transfer my work to the transformation to their own data warehouse, as much as I can. But my body sets the pace, and that pace is slow.

“Being honest with yourself sounds brave, but feels like a loss.”

⁇ The high-energy home

I eat, I drink, and I usually do well. My energy balance is precarious. I can feel good, until the dog barks then I get cold. I tried to let him out, but he's dragging me in all directions.
The neighbor brought lasagna, from a cousin and his family came balloons, from friends flowers. Sylvia’s colleagues sent a forest larger than our kitchen table.
I get a lot of attention, and that's sweet. Five minutes of talking is enough. Then my voice stops, and so does my energy.
Our house is a busy house, full of sound and movement. Nice, but a lot. Sometimes I run into my bed to refuel.

“Being at home is not the same as refuelling.”

⁇ For now

Today was a bad day and the morning started well. I let the dog out, cleaned up the counter, emptied the tumble dryer and took out the dishwasher. Then it was ready. Sweat on my back, pain in my body, alternately cold and warm.
I slept a lot today. It was a long day. 
Tonight I look at the election results. In spite of everything, I hope that the line continues to rise, even if only slowly.

‘Heaviness may have light. And light sometimes weighs surprisingly much.”