⁇ Cancer light – All at once but not all today

 15:33 The bell that no one wants to hear

It was a call on Friday afternoon at 15:33. I was just preparing a kwis beer tasting. In a few minutes my afternoon changed from light to heavy. Since then, I've been trying to write down everything that happens. Not to get pity, but to keep my head and heart together. These blogs are my way of understanding, sharing and showing how I deal with this sometimes seriously, sometimes with humor, but always really.

“Life does not call in advance to ask if it is convenient.”

⁇ Days in single blocks

Since January 11, days have been made up of fragments. Poor nights due to abdominal pain and diarrhea, short moments of functioning and then back to recovery mode. Several nights I have been in a cold toilet six times. Four hours of sleep is officially sleep. During the day my throat feels thick and sticky and brushing my teeth requires mental preparation. The body determines the rhythm. That rhythm is slow and non-negotiable.

“Those who sleep poorly learn quickly what is really necessary.”

⁇ Cola as an emergency facility

After stopping medication, my bowels became remarkably ambitious. Diarrhea was structural and extra present after drinking food. Surprisingly, cola light really helps. Not symbolic, but practical. In doing so, it promoted from bad habit to functional tool. Sometimes lighting is not complicated. Sometimes it's just on the shelf.

“Some solutions come without a package leaflet.”

⁇ Stop with liquid

Liquid food had reached its limit. It didn't make my stomach happy and neither did I. Since I stopped taking the medication, each bottle gave me a to, full feeling. And six times a day, with every sip, I mumbled the same thing: "Come on with that glue". That wasn't a joke. That was self-deprecating with fatigue underneath. Rationally, I knew what was wise. Emotionally it was over.

“What's up, don't let yourself be reasoned away.”

A skin that is no longer mine

The skin on the left side of my face still feels strange. Not painful, but no longer self-evident. When I shave electrically, the device jams there, as if my skin is not participating. It is a direct result of the radiation and my body seems to remember that. At the same time, I see progress. The redness and burning have actually disappeared and ointments are rarely needed. The bump in my neck is almost gone. Only about my beard growth there is still no clarity. That suddenly feels less like a detail and more like a question about how familiar my own face will be.

“Sometimes you only recognise yourself when something feels different.”

⁇ Solid food with conditions

That's why I started eating solid food again. That goes better than expected, although swallowing later in the meal becomes difficult. There is hardly any taste, at most a shadow. Eating feels like participating again. It's physically clumsy, but mentally lighter. Sometimes feeling rightly wins over theory.

“Being good to you does not always mean the same thing.”

⁇ Coffee only today

I've been drinking coffee since today. Not recently, but only today. The caffeine does me good and feels like a gentle push towards clarity. I also had two beers this weekend that I could enjoy. Strong flavors, small sips, long breaks. Testing is now a conscious activity.

“Genching requires attention today.”

⁇ Doing what you can together

Jaero and I do everything together. Groceries, small jobs, replacing cranes and repairs that are just too small to hand over. He makes lunch for both of us and cooks with visible pleasure. It all smells delicious and that helps even though I hardly taste anything of it. We distribute what can and adapt to where necessary. Together it is clearer.

“Together, it makes lighter, even if it is no less.”

⁇ Only with Salke on the couch

This week Jaero is in the middle of his test week. It requires focus and rest. For him upstairs, for me downstairs. I'm the only person on the couch more often than I love. Not dramatic, but lonely. That silence changes how I feel and shows how important proximity really is.

“Sometimes loneliness comes simply through silence.”

⁇ From the inside out

As my head increasingly asks for rest, the outside world keeps reporting. Practical matters don't care much about timing or energy. Just when I want to stand still, it turns out that there is a lot to do. That tension makes everything heavier than necessary.

“The world won't pause if you have to.”

⁇ Calling in phases

It started on Sunday with a power outage. Without warning. First, get an electrician, urgently. Without electricity, there is no heating. The next day, the rest followed. Call insurance over the meter cupboard. Then the leasing company. Then KIA. Explain, be connected, explain again. The car was towed and I picked up a replacement car in Borne. A diesel-powered manual bus. In the meantime, the ‘flat gutter’ dossier also continued. Quotations, neighbors, alignment. As if that wasn't enough, the business year also had to be financially closed. Consultation with the accountant, checking figures, making decisions when my head was already full. Together quite a lot.

“Regulating sometimes requires more energy than the problem itself.”

⁇ Household as a job

What is often underestimated is how much time the household takes. The laundry alone took almost a full week. That's not strange when two adults are in the rag basket for months at a time. Last Monday Salke walked into the living room with dirty laundry several times. That was when I decided that the backlog had to go away, at all costs. In addition, there were many cards for which thank you to everyone. They had to be cleaned up before I could even dust them. Cleaning up is now not an aesthetic but a necessity.

“Sometimes recovery just starts with clean socks.”

⁇ Visit with update

René came by last week. It was very cozy and felt just as normal. I kept him talking for too long, mea culpa. When he left, to my surprise, I was shaking on my legs with fatigue. That moment made something painfully clear. Five minutes of interacting with people outside my family takes me as much energy as an hour of housework. Coziness is nice, but it now has a price tag.

“Contact is valuable, but no longer free.”

⁇ Weight without care

Although the diarrhea seems to be gone and I eat solid food, I slowly lose weight. The scale shows that my muscle mass remains almost the same. That's reassuring. It's not kilos that worry me. I don't miss those few kilos.

“Not everything that gets less is a loss.”

⁇ Plan ahead with distance

Thursday I will pick up Sylvia and Mandy from Schiphol. They're finally coming back from Hurghada, Egypt. It will be a long ride for the first time. Not in my familiar EV6, but in the big bus that is now temporarily my transport. That idea alone requires habituation. I notice that I already take it into account. Doing less, stopping earlier, saving energy as if it were a serious deal. It feels like a small expedition, not exciting but meaningful.

‘Sometimes a journey starts days in advance.’

⁇ For now

For now, this is where I stand, eating fast, drinking coffee since today, consciously planning and accepting short evenings. A lot is arranged while rest would be more logical. At the same time, there is undeniable improvement. It's slower than I'd like, but it's there. My body sets the pace, not me. And that same body actually knows very well how to do this. Tomorrow I'll see what I can do and what I have to do. Anything that doesn't have to wait.

‘Heaviness may have light. And light sometimes weighs surprisingly much.”