⁇ Cancer light – Countdown by detours

⁇ 15:33 The bell that no one wants to hear

It was a call on Friday afternoon at 15:33. I was just preparing a kwis beer tasting. In a few minutes my afternoon changed from light to heavy. Since then, I've been trying to write down everything that happens. Not to get pity, but to keep my head and heart together. These blogs are my way of understanding, sharing and showing how I deal with them – sometimes serious, sometimes humorous, but always real.

“Life does not call in advance to ask if it is convenient.”

Tired in mind

It has been a week since my last blog and I notice that it is harder than I had hoped. I am very tired and that is not only physical, but also mental. I'm tired of being sick and sometimes I lose my own patience. At the same time, the end of this process is really in sight and that creates a strange kind of conflict in my head. Hope and exhaustion run hand in hand through the room. Countdown helps, but some days are extra heavy every minute.

“Being tired is difficult, thinking tired is insidious.”

⁇ At the table without taste

Wednesday the camping board came to our home for dinner and meetings and I was present at the dinner. It was wonderful to see other people again, although Sylvia rightly said that being sick can be quite lonely. That's right, even if you're surrounded by your family. There was no food in it, because I now live on drinking food and have not tasted anything at all for a week. Food then becomes a ritual without sensory reward. At the end of the meal I gave up and went to bed, which was fine. Until the doorbell kept ringing, the dog commented and voices echoed through the hallway. That visit goes again is logical and sweet, but it took me more energy than I had. The next day I paid the price, but I was happy to pay it.

“Together costs energy, but sometimes even more.”

⁇ Kaputt but satisfied

Friday I reached a magical point, four of the six weeks of radiation were on it. Ten more times and then it's done. For the first time, I was able to count down to zero. Saturday I felt surprisingly good and went with Sylvia to the campsite. People were happy to see me and I was just as happy to see them. After two hours, however, it was done and I sat in a corner on the couch with my hood over my head. Kaputt is a good summary. We were not out of the street yet or the car seat was already flat and the rest of the weekend I paid the bill. Still, it was worth it.

“Sometimes two hours of life is enough for a whole day.”

⁇ Plasters and mirrors

Monday I was cranky and mentally I was not comfortable with it. Still, I found energy to make some phone calls to replenish my medications. It felt like I was scooping up an inventory of a small pharmacy with fentanyl, oxycodone, lorazepam, blood thinners, nasal spray and drinking nutrition. Today I considered stopping fentanyl because I feel it contributes to my negativity and lethargy. A few pain shoots later I was realistic again and stayed with the patches. This morning I was in the hospital and I asked about that strange bald stripe in my beard. Turns out that an old filling reflects the radiation like a mirror. The expectation is that it will just grow back. That's part of it, too.

“Even side effects sometimes have a technical explanation.”

⁇ Flowers and Christmas packages

Today Willem van Mepal would come by with a Christmas package, exactly two months after my last working day there. While I was waiting, the doorbell rang and there was a man with a bunch of flowers. Sylvia enthusiastically invited him inside, assuming that this was Willem. ‘No, I'm only here to bring flowers.’ They were bleached from the Data Delivery Team of Stater, where I worked with great pleasure for two years and have been away for another year. A little later came Willem with the Christmas package Have a good time at the kitchen table. It remains remarkable how many clients and colleagues keep thinking about me.

“Attention remains the best gift.”

⁇ Knee-lengths and open doors

Saturday 20 December We have a tradition here where my mother comes every year between Christmas and New Year's Eve with three liters of batter according to old Staphorster recipe to bake kneeperties. The door is then open to family and friends and in this special year we deliberately open it to everyone, with attention growing a little every year. We have doubted whether we should let it go through this year, because it is busy and costs energy. We have decided that it is, because some prices you like to pay. So with this one, if you know where my house is, you're Saturday 20 December between 12:00 and 16:00 welcome. We only expect a good mood and that you bake some kneeperties yourself. Of course you can take what you bake home with you. And if you don't know where my house is, you can just ask.

“Traditions sometimes keep you going better than rest.”

⁇ For now

For now, this is where I stand. Tired, sometimes mentally wobbly, but with the end in sight and enough bright spots to hold on to. I keep counting down, preferably with people around me and occasionally with a kneeling hand.

‘Heaviness may have light. And light sometimes weighs surprisingly much.”