15:33 The bell that no one wants to hear
It was a call on Friday afternoon at 15:33. I was just preparing a kwis beer tasting. In a few minutes my afternoon changed from light to heavy. Since then, I've been trying to write down everything that happens. Not to get pity, but to keep my head and heart together. These blogs are my way of understanding, sharing and showing how I deal with them – sometimes serious, sometimes humorous, but always real.
“Life does not call in advance to ask if it is convenient.”
⁇ Silence with a side effect
Sleep is better. Closed for eight hours three nights in a row. That's an achievement I used to only get after a festival. What sleep does to a person is amazing. the world seems less sharp, the air lighter. This morning I didn't even have an immediate need to take painkillers. A small, big moment.
I did ordinary things like the dog, the laundry, the dishwasher and almost felt part of the daily decor again. Until I sat down at my computer. That's where the staring started. Stupid staring. Useless. As if my head said: “We are awake, but we do not yet know what for.”
“Rust is really hard when you don’t have a reason to run anymore.”
⁇ Visit with a capital letter
Yesterday was a long day. Hospital corridors that never seem to end, dentists that look gloomy, appointments that shift as if time itself no longer makes sense. Then sleep. Or try.
In the afternoon Dick-Jan and Vera arrived, and in the evening René. My first visit in ages, and of course immediately two in one day. No one will ever suspect me of an overdose of caution. Still, it was good. They laughed, talked and lived. And for a moment it felt as if everything could still be done. Their presence filled the room with something that I do not get from pills: life. As if nothing had broken yet.
“Some people don’t take a burden away from you, they dilute it.”
⁇ The pole and the silence
Mandy's gone today. She went to Maasland with her mother to pick up a pole. A real, shiny pole pole pole. Dancing is her passion, but also her therapy. Just... For the past few months, it hasn't been possible. The DBA Act, my lost income due to illness, the choices that had to be made... there was simply no money left for lessons or a pole.
And then something unexpected happened. The man she's interning with heard her story and gave her the money. Just like that. Because he thought she should keep doing what makes her happy. No form, no condition, just a gesture from person to person.
So now she's on her way to Maasland, and for the first time since this merry-go-round started, I'm home alone. The dog sleeps, the house breathes slowly, the neighbor Petra cooks for us tonight. And I am in between peace and unrest with the silence that suddenly sounds very loud.
“Sometimes happiness costs money, and sometimes you just get it as a gift.”
⁇ Things to look forward to
This weekend I'm going with my parents, nephews and nieces to Soldier of Orange. I feel like it, really. If I keep it up, we'll see. If necessary, I lie comfortably in the car with my eyes closed. Progress is sometimes a matter of moving along.
On November 20th I would speak at the NLUUF autumn congress, at 16:00. Here I am: https://nluug.nl/evenementen/nluug/najaarsconferentie-2025/
I worked hard to be there. But in the middle of my radiation program, with a voice that is already broken, I know that it is not realistic. And that hurts. Not physically, but in my heart. Because I want to be there. I want to show that I can still do it. However, I will probably have to cancel. And that feels like losing something important that I've worked hard for.
“Some victories look like cancelling on time.”
⁇ For now
The first irradiation is planned: Tuesday 11 November at 09:00. Time for activity. Radioactivity, to be exact. Until then, I try to sleep, breathe and accept that doing nothing can also be a form of progress. Saving energy.
For now, this is where I stand.
‘Heaviness may have light. And light sometimes weighs surprisingly much.”
English (UK)